Excerpts from The Diary of “Dave” Brainerd, Christian Missionary to the Collegiate Indians of Central Michigan

By ‘The Bohemian Baptist’, of The Sacred Sandwich
 
August 2. After enjoying much sweetness in prayer, my heart was filled with the prospect of bringing the young heathens of North America to Christ. In anticipation of the Lord employing me thusly, I sought the necessary provisions for evangelistic success: the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the light of God’s Word, and a Facebook and Twitter account. Oh! What heavenly blessings for the advancement of God’s kingdom!
 
August 10. After eating a large bowl of Froot Loops for breakfast, I had an affecting sense of my own vileness and cried out to God that He might restore the self-esteem that my teachers at Bill Clinton Middle School instilled in me during my youth. My pleadings brought serenity to my soul that I might yet become an able, psychologically-balanced witness for Christ to the heathens. Watched the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy for the 56th time in preparation for spiritual battle.
 
September 7. My ministry begins! Entered heathen territory after many days journey deep into the wilderness of Central Michigan University where the natives call themselves the “Chippewas.” With my Dell laptop in tow, I encountered my first group of campus pagans in the student lounge and was immediately discouraged by the sight of the natives using Macbooks and other demonic tools from Apple. Alas! I have already alienated their homogeneous unit with my PC. Was enabled in the evening to plead to God for deliverance from iPhone envy …
 
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